Losing Mom

I have not posted anything in nearly two months - since we lost Buster. One reason being I have just been so busy with work and getting settled in the new house, and the second being I was so involved in caring for my mother, who lived at the Lowman Home and has been a resident there since May, 2008. Mom passed away on December 26 - about 2 1/2 hours after Christmas Day ended. She had been suffering from dementia for quite a number of years, and as is typical with dementia, it slowly and surely robs the person of their personality, their ability to communicate, and what I like to refer to as taking their very soul. Mom had been on a slow decline for several months, but about 3 weeks ago, she began to be hoarse and her speech became very garbled; nothing she spoke made sense. She would repeat what you said to her, sometimes hanging onto one word and saying it repeatedly. I got a call that Monday morning (I was at work) from the Hospice nurse who had stopped in to see her and she bluntly told me mom was unresponsive and she believed she was dying. I dropped everything and hit the road - coming to be with her. Before I got on the interstate, this woman called BACK and proceeded to tell me that mom was diagnosed with the flu. THE FLU! Big difference in having the flu and dying. I think we all agree on that one. Paul and I both were there within minutes - he got there before I did as I called him as soon as I hung up with the nurse, and he was closer. He got her to answer but she was very lethargic and confused. I insisted she be taken to the hospital, which we did. We spent the rest of the afternoon there and the doctor confirmed the flu. On this day she was semi-alert (received fluids) and was chattering. That was four weeks ago today. In that four weeks' time, she spiraled downward so rapidly it was unbelievable. She was able to eat soft foods; we determined (had a dentist look at her) that she may have an abscessed tooth. Many of her teeth were decayed and already missing. Yet, she said they did not hurt. I still have a hard time with that one. Anway, she began to lean, was unable to form words that made sense - it was like her brain function that controlled speech and thought processes was damaged and deteriorating - and slowly lost the ability and desire to eat - and eventually to even open her eyes. We were there as often as were physically able to be. I would work sometimes half days, then feel this strong sense of 'got to get to her' and I'd leave and go be by her side. As the days progressed, so did the disease. My boys came down and visited and were able to talk with her and she was able to respond - barely. We brought her to the house for Thanksgiving and although she did not eat (she said she was full and had already eaten...we knew this was not the case) she did manage to take a few sips of egg nog. She said she liked our new house better than our old one 'it's bigger and you have more room'. I'm glad she came to see it. She was here most of the afternoon and we took her back to the nursing home where she immediately went to bed. The day came that she stopped eating - so she was given liquids, including this really THICK liquid they called MedPass. It was supposed to have the nutrition/calories of a full meal. I'll take their word on that one - it smelled nasty to me. Worse than Ensure, which she used to drink all the time. She went from being out of bed in her wheelchair, to being out of bed in a geri-chair, which reminds me of a recliner so they won't fall over/out and are seemingly more comfortable. I had asked that she be gotten out of bed and dressed as often as she was able. By last weekend (the weekend of Christmas) she virtually was taking in nothing but a few sips here and there. I spent more and more time with her - and little by little she retreated into a world of silence - speaking only rarely and softly - and muffled. Growing up, she was not a person who was warm and cuddly. I honestly don't recall her telling me 'I Love You' very much or maybe even at all. In the past months, I would sit with her and feed her at mealtimes, and I would talk. Sometimes she would talk, too. Remembering times, memories we had, and I began to tell her every time before I left "I Love You". She'd tell me, "I Love You, Too". There were times she thanked me for doing everything for her that I had done - and i would tell her, 'hey you took care of me when I was not able to - I'm just doing the same thing for you'.... She used to (when able) sit and call out for Mary, her sister; her parents; and her favorite phrase was "Come on, Let's Go" ..... you could hear her at the other end of the hallway. Of course, as her life's light dimmed, so did the ability to call out for Mary or anyone else. My sons came to see her - and like Paul and me, they would sit and just 'chat' with her and talk about anything and everything under the sun. Fortunately, I had weeks' of time to talk with her and tell her any and everything I possibly could. I told her how grateful I was to have her as my mother; thanked her for raising me to be strong and even told her how, as a young girl, I resented the fact that she wasn't the warm/cuddly mother some of my friends had, and that it took counseling to help me see that it's not that she did not love me, but simply that she did not have the capacity to be warm and cuddly as she never had it growing up either. It was foreign to her, and I could not expect something from her that she did not have, nor know how to give. Once I learned that aspect, I was okay with it. By now, she would tell me she loved me. It was wonderful. In her final days, she was bedridden and ultimately not awake; unresponsive except for breathing. She was in a deep, peaceful sleep from which she could not awaken. We knew she could hear, though - Paul told her he had to go home and get some sleep and wouuld see her later; she slightly nodded her head. This let us know she could hear AND understand. This was last Sunday, December 23. I stayed until late that evening, went back the next day (Christmas Eve) several times and spent most of Christmas Eve night and into early Christmas morning with her. She had her little Christmas tree with the colored lights she likes, and I had Christmas music (by now all the radio stations played was holiday music) playing on the radio non-stop. She never seemed in any pain, nor did she seem to struggle and appear uncomfortable. We went back up late Christmas morning; took her gifts and I opened them for her and told her what we gave her even if there was no response or indication she even knew we were there. I know she could hear, so I feel confident she did know. Keith, my youngest son was with us at this point. Jonathan had come on Saturday and stopped in to see her on his way down to our house to celebrate Christmas as he opted to stay home and have his mother-in-law over for the day. By now she was not even drinking liquids. She laid there with her eyes closed, and her mouth wide open; in a deep sleep or maybe even unconscious. By all means, the only indication we had that she was still alive was the fact that she WAS breathing. Did not move at all. We came home and made Christmas dinner late that afternoon and ate. I could barely make myself leave her long enough to come home to do anything. I could not just sit there constantly and WATCH her - it was maddening, and frightening; yet I could not stay away. We hurriedly ate Christmas dinner and went right back up there. By now it was about 8 pm on Christmas night. No change. Mom still the same as when we left. Paul came back home as he had to work the next morning and he gets up very early. Keith and I stayed. I sort of got on the bed beside her, put one hand on hers, and cradled her with my other; and I simply talked softly in her ear. I told her everything I could think of that I felt I needed to say - at this point every single time I was there I made sure I left nothing unsaid. I needed and wanted her to know these things.....things that were long unspoken, but finally at last we said them. I gave her a manicure; massaged her scalp, rubbed her skin with lotion, and put her new bedroom slippers on her - they looked like penguins. Keith came home and got us water to drink and came back. I had told her I did not want her to leave me at Christmas and asked her to please stay with me. And you know what? She did. The nurses said they did not anticipate any great change overnight and told me to go get a little sleep and they would call me if anything changed. I didn't want to leave, but from what they said to me before, if she began to 'fade' there would be signs and so far, all her vitals were strong and stable. I agreed to go, and told her that I was going home to get a little sleep and I would be back in the morning and if she needed me, they would call and I'd come right back. Keith and I both kissed her, and I told her I loved her; and we left. My phone rang at 3:15 a.m. (we had just left at 11:45 PM) and I jumped up to answer it, knowing it was most likely the phone call I had been dreading and anticipating at the same time. When I said 'hello' the nurse simply said, 'This is Mary Anne. Mom's left us'. I will never forget it. I was stunned. I asked her why nobody called me and she said that mom never displayed anything they were to look for when someone passes away. There was an aide sitting with her, and the aide looked away for a moment and when she looked back, realized mom was not breathing. It was as if she exhaled and that was THAT. No struggle, no movement, no 'rattle' we hear so much about....NOTHING. I hung up, grabbed Paul before he could get out the door to go to work (he was already up) and I woke Keith. We went back to visit her - one last time. She was still lying there just like she had been when we left - wearing her new Christmas pajamas (well, the top anyway) and her penguin slippers. Her feet were slightly crossed at the ankles and she was holding her Christmas bear in one hand (I had given it to her to hold for comfort before I left) and her rosary that I bought for her in the other. She looked just like she was asleep. I knew in that instant that her struggle was over and she was finally at peace. It was the most devastating moment of my entire life. We stayed with her until they came to take her...I held her, just like always; and I kept talking to her. Before we all left (including her) I kissed her again and told her, "I Love You"...and I will see you again one of these days. It was heart-wrenching. The past week has been such a blur. Mom was laid to rest on Friday, December 28. We all spoke about her at her service - we let everyone know about her - what kind of person she was, and how funny she was and how she had her own 'take' on life. We did not have a lot of people in attendance - she had outlived all her brothers and sisters - but my cousin (her brother's son) and his wife and daughter came from Savannah. I think she would have liked it. No, I'm sure she liked it. I do believe she can see us....only now she is with her beloved Mary and her 'mama and papa' and she is young and healthy again.... Since mom left us, I have been surrounded by love - and support - from my dear friends and family, whom I could not have made it thru this without. It's at times like these that you really see what a person is made of. I can't even begin to thank them - there are no words at this point that can truly convey my feelings. I hope I can find them soon - I need to let them know how very much they all mean to me...to us. Oddly, my husband's family were all absent during this time, with my sister in law finally calling me last evening. Mom looked beautiful - and happy. At last. I suppose I have to be happy too. I stayed here in South Carolina my whole life to 'take care of her when she is old'....I announced that to her when I was 17 years old. I believe her response was, 'nobody asked you to do that!'.....mom, mom, mom - you're something else.... I still did it. I stayed here with her whether she wanted me to or not. Maybe I was afraid to leave. I never really gave it much thought. She has been such an integral part of my entire life that I have this huge gaping 'hole' that I am sure will never be filled. My Sunday afternoons were spent at the Lowman Home with her. Yesterday was the first Sunday in nearly 5 years that I did not go. It's times like these that reach out and grab my heart. Literally. Now I have to redirect focus - as soon as I figure out HOW. My job here is done - I did what I told her I would do. I stayed here for her and I did and said everything I needed to. I have no regrets. I miss my mother - more than I can say, and I believe the best way I can honor her - and her life - is to live mine now in the very best way possible - in the way of my own choosing - for me - simply because I can. Life is short - we all need to make the most of it. Every single day. Don't let the sun set on anger and unspoken words because we may not always have tomorrow. Let people know how you feel about them - always. Never put off anything assuming you will get another chance. You may not. I am strong - mom raised me that way. My boys now how much I love them and I know how much they love me. I believe I will come out of this realizing more about myself than I did before - I will find the 'me' that I had put on the back burner so long ago. And I will rely on that strength she instilled in me - to keep going. I love you mom - so very much. I know you'll keep an eye on me ... you always did. I'll move forward with my life and take you with me every step of the way. I will make you proud. I'll make ME proud of me too. And knowing that the very last words you said to me were "I love you, too".....I will be okay. In time. I love you now and forever.... Your loving daughter, Jeannette

Gone

We lost Buster last night. He was our 6 year old Shar-Pai who had lymphoma. We thought he was holding his own, but when I got home last night he apparently had either a stroke or an aneurysm. Raced him to the vet, but the damage was irreversible and he lapsed into a coma and passed away at 7:15 last night. I stayed with him for a good hour - holding him and loving him. Then I wished him a good journey across the Rainbow Bridge, kissed him, took a photo with him, and I came home to let the girls (Stormy & Daisy) know what had happened and that their brother was in heaven. Rough night - after two strong vodka tonics I finally was able to sleep. Today, I am sad. Mourning the loss of a beautiful little soul - one that was taken way too soon. I am so so thankful that we had more time with him than we originally thought. Our vet, Rosemary Branson, is the one responsible for his longevity (which by any means was still short - only diagnosed in April).... Buster lived (and died) knowing how very much he was loved. And you know what, he loved us back. Until the end and beyond.... See you at the bridge one of these days buddy - tell Sunny Girl we said hi and we love her too. Take care of her there - and wait for us.... <

> We love you.

Moving.....

We moved. After having the house on the market since March, and FINALLY closing on it this past Friday, we actually packed up and moved. Not to where we wanted to, but nonetheless, we moved. Just 5 miles down the road. We rented a house for a year until we can decide WHERE we need to be. And let me tell you something - I did not know how much stuff we had until we had to actually touch it - load it, unload it, move it. Both my sons and their significant others, and friend Dave came and helped haul. Actually, the girls helped the guys haul. And haul we did.....up and down the road. I think the stack of boxes grew while they were in the truck riding down the road.... I have almost one year to decide what I want/need to keep and what I don't. By the time we haul ourselves somewhere else, hopefully there will be a fraction of the crap we moved in. On a good note, at least we have moved into a larger home - lots of room to hang everyhing, put everything in cabinets that previously was stored in boxes. It's a good home.....for now. And the dogs like it. They have a great big yard to roam in. Even if it looks like a wasteland. No flowers, no grass, no shrubs....nothing but pine trees and dirt. For me, the gardener, it's depressing to look at. I just tell myself, it's only for one year.....only one.

Happy Fall, Y'all!

Today is the first day of autumn. Now those of you who KNOW me know that I love fall. I love everything about it - the crisp air that takes on a different quality, the apples, the new warmer clothing that we wear (well, some do - here in the South we still wear shorts and flip flops - year round), pumpkins, mums, apple cider, the smell of smoke coming from chimneys signaling the first fires of the season smouldering in fireplaces, and the best of all.....THE FOLIAGE! Oh. My. Gosh. The fall colors just take my breath away. Maple Trees. Maple Trees. Did I mention Maple trees???? We here in central South Carolina don't have fall colors nearly as vividly as New England, or even the Shenandoah Valley or even the Mid-Atlantic. Drive up to the Blue Ridge Parkway in late October and be prepared to be blown away. The colors are indescribable. It's as if God tossed a box of crayons into the trees and they exploded. Breathtaking!!!! I never cease to be amazed at it. Never.

This is the first autumn in I can't remember HOW LONG that I don't have any decor already out. You see, we are moving beginning Monday afternoon and for starters, everything is boxed and ready to go and I HAVE NO IDEA where my fall decorations are. Today is the last day of National Cupcake Week (UK) and wasn't able to bake any of those either. Yep, pans are packed away....somewhere. It will be a joy to be able to unpack and reaquaint myself with things that have been long stored as I had no place to put them. The new digs are only temporary, though - one year. Hopefully at the end of that 12 month period I will have found my 'place' in the sun. I'd like to think it's a little farmette - not that I want to become a REAL farmer or anything.....you know, a white two story farmhouse with a white picket fence that just screams out for climbing roses and/or jasmine. A porch with room for the rockers. A back porch with room for the swing and an outside deck/patio with room for the outdoor fireplace. Where will this be, you ask? No clue. At least right now. It will be interesting to see what actually presents itself. Knowing me, it won't even be remotely close to what I just described. I do know this, it will have to have a beautiful Japanese Maple tree just outside the window so that I can see it when I look outside. To me, what I see when I look out is far more important than the inside. What's on the inside can be changed. A view to die for.....you can't. I think I'll know it when I find it. Thought I had found it once - but unfortunately it did not come to pass. I was terribly disappointed - long story, another blog perhaps. Or perhaps not. Better to put that to rest and press onward.... "Life Cannot Be Measured in the Number of Breaths We Take, But By Moments That Take Our Breath Away"..... I want to find that moment. I'm sure you all do, too. Happy Autumn!!!

SOLD!!

Well, we did it. We sold the house! Listed it back in March, and hoped it would sell in time for us to make an offer on a house I just fell in love with in Blandford, Massachusetts. You see, this house we found 'up north' had exactly WHAT I was looking for in a house - and it had charm, and was in a picture perfect location. I could just SEE us there. I already had a life planned around that house...and that was just totally wrong! We got an offer on our house - at last. It was less than I had hoped to sell for, but still.... Then we made an offer on our dream house. We just KNEW we had it. BUT HE TURNED DOWN OUR OFFER. After focusing on that house for over a year, he burst my bubble 'just like that'....POP!!! So now we have less than a month until I close on the house I have lived in for nearly 20 years and raised my children in (well, my youngest, anyway. My oldest was 16 when we bought it)....and have no place to go. We started looking.... We have decided to find a house to rent instead of buy, simply because we don't know WHERE we want to be. Or at least I don't. One thing I am certain of, is that I want to move away and live somewhere else just once! I thought it was going to be in Blandford MA, but that's obviously not going to happen anytime soon. BUMMER!! We have found a rental - a perfectly acceptable lovely house. It was one of a very few that would allow our four-legged children to reside there as well. We're going to see it tomorrow after work. Hopefully it will be just fine for the next year. In that time, maybe I can figure out my intended life's path...and where I want/need to be. Now I won't be rushed to find something and can figure out what location touches my heart and soul. I just hope I recognize it!! Will keep you posted. Maybe tomorrow I won't be homeless after September 28! The four legged kids are packing already....

What's Cookin'??

When I left work today, it was raining. Now, I do not like to drive in the rain. I love rain, and I enjoy thunderstorms, but since our auto accident several years ago that happened IN THE RAIN, I just do not enjoy driving in it. So, I head out of downtown and get on the interstate, homeward bound. Now, every other person on that interstate must not like to drive in the rain either because the traffic was virtually AT A STANDSTILL. It took me nearly an hour (in the rain, no less) to get to my exit. I had to make a stop at the grocery store - the dogs needed some Chop House canned dog food to mix in with their hard food for dinner. I grabbed the Chop House, a can of Italian Wedding soup, a small flank steak, some fresh mushrooms and a green pepper. Then I came home, fed the 'kids' their Chop House Blend, and started dinner. I put the canned soup in a small pot and turned the heat to low - so it could slowly simmer while I cooked. Then I thinly sliced the steak into ribbons, and also the green pepper, half an onion, the mushrooms, and 2 minced cloves of garlic. I put the slivered meat into a bowl, and it was seasoned with Montreal Steak seasoning, a dash of garlic powder, some pepper, and a smidge of salt. Those of you who are Southern will know what a SMIDGE is. I then drizzled some soy sauce and a little sesame oil over the meat so it could marinate. After 20 minutes, I turned the soup off, cooked some wild rice, and sauteed the meat and veggies quickly over high heat. It took about 5 minutes - after it all browned, i turned it down, popped the lid on for 5 minutes and 'ta-da'!! Done. It was delicious. Not bad for a Monday night, eh? Stormy said so! Stormy knows....

Friday Night Dinner - when it's too hot to cook!

Yesterday I had a horrible day at work! Just horrible. It was one of those days that I really wish I was not there and seriously thought about just walking out. There were lots of numbers that didn't make sense (literally), and everyone seemed to be having the same problems. We decided it was Friday the 13th's fault! By the time I rode my broom out of there at 4 pm, I didn't have enough brain cells to even remember my own phone number.... I stopped at the Store of Hope, which is run by the local Department of Juvenile Justice (DJJ) and hosted by my 'best friend', Mary. After viewing the items made by the incarcerated 'youngsters', I got back on my broom and headed to the hacienda.... Just one more stop - at the GROCERY STORE. Now I had no idea what I really wanted for dinner, only that it was more important for me to have a HUGE glass of something to guzzle than to cook. I ended up with this: A. Appetizer (Antipasta): Antipasto platter, which consisted of provolone cheese, hot cappicola (shaved slices), proscuitto, Italian dry salame, bleu cheese stuffed olives, provolone and mozzarella cheeses with baguette rounds.....and frozen pina coladas. B. Main course(Prima): Homemade caesar salad - Romaine (cut, not torn) tossed with REAL caesar dressing (egg yolk, garlic, anchovies, lemon, worcestershire, with olive oil whisked in) and topped with croutons and Parmesan. I realized I didn't have any croutons, so I took that baguette loaf (still had some left) and cubed it - tossed the bread cubes with a little garlic oil and baked them in a 400 degree oven for 10 minutes. Ta Da! Homemade croutons. While the croutons were baking, I took some shrimp skewers and drizzled olive oil over them and sprinkled a little bit of garlic flavored Old Bay seasoning. They grilled for 5 minutes on each side over low DIRECT gas heat, and topped the salad with them. This was served with a nice cold 'Fish Eye' Chardonnay - of which I had 2+ glasses.... outstanding! C. Dessert (Dolci): I compromised my integrity on this one. Being a baker, I am a snob when it comes to desserts....FRESHLY made desserts. I was too tired to make something, so I broke down and actually PURCHASED cannoli and petit fors. Had Chocolate Cappucino coffee to wash 'em down. All in all, not a bad night, gastronomically speaking. Today I think I shall search for a turntable so I can play my old albums and "45's". Have some Quiksilver Messenger Service and Lobo that I am just dying to hear again!! What's on your agenda for the weekend?

Summer in the South

Today is July 1st.  As many of you who are familiar with OR who live in the South, by now we are in the midst of temperatures hotter than you can even imagine.  My sister in law, who lives in Massachusetts, was so hot when the temperatures reached 92 that she had to go inside when we were working in her gardens.  She couldn't believe I wasn't hot, too.  I told her that 92 was a nighttime temperature for South Carolina and we native southerners don't even break a sweat until the thermometer reaches triple digits.  She just looked at me.  I think she didn't believe me. 

Our dogs eat breakfast EARLY, like 6:30 in the morning while it's still cool.  Then they have fans & ice water to get them thru the hottest part of the day.  Buster, who is now IN REMISSION from lymphoma (thanks to a wonderful, lovely vet named Rosemary Branson at Blythewood Animal Hospital) waits for me to provide them with frozen dog treats.  I made them peanut butter & banana treats yesterday and keep them in the freezer.  They get one in the morning and one in the afternoon.  It's a good way to use overripe bananas other than make bread, because it's too hot to turn the oven on!

FROZEN DOG TREATS
1 cup peanut butter (smooth)
1 cup mashed banana
water

Blend all together with a touch of honey if you like.  Freeze by scoops on wax paper until firm.  Keep in freezer until time to serve.  Our dogs LOVE THEM!

We have the house on the market - so far we've only had 3 people look at it.  Hopefully someone will come along SOON that just falls in love with it.  We need to sell to be able to buy our dream home and ultimately our dream 'life'.....the grand opening of  "The Blandford House and Gardens" - events and such.  We can't buy that until we sell this.  Everything hinges on that....know of anybody who needs a good starter home?

Happy July 4th everybody!  Remember the good old red, white & blue.  That is what enables me to write this freely and you to be able to read it just as freely.  Independence.  We have that.  Can't imagine not having it. 

Can you?

Hanging in There.....

My last post was nearly 2 months ago.  In that post, I disclosed our Buster Boy's illness, his lymphoma.  We since have found another vet, who seemed to think he would benefit from chemotherapy and who assured us that dogs don't react to chemo the same way humans do.  This vet is in Blythewood, which for us is quite a long trip.  So, once a week, Buster and I load into the car and I take him to the vet, sign him in as a 'stay for the day' and then I drive into downtown for work; in the afternoon, I go back and pick him up.  He started his chemotherapy regimen on April 30.  About 10 days into it, he developed a fever, and we had to give him antibiotics.  Basically what happens is the chemo wipes out his white blood cells, which are needed to fight infection.   The massive doses of chemicals that flooded his little body left him unable to fight the elevated temps.  So, he spent the night at the vet, got antibiotics, and came home.  He's had another week or so of treatments, then this past Monday when I went to pick him up, she (the vet) said his white blood cells were too low to give the treatment.  We go back tomorrow and hopefully he will be able to have it then.  His lymph nodes had virtually disappeared, but now I can feel them again - not terribly large, but still....

I hope this all is not uncomfortable for him.  He appears happy and his appetite is beyond good.  He will eat ANYTHING you give him.  Doesn't chew it, just swallows it!  But he always did that.  I guess as long as he's eating well, we have to be thankful. 

Let's hope tomorrow brings good news.  I'm so tired of bad news.  I just want more time with him.  And he wants more time with us.  Let's hope we can have that.

On a positive note, we have our house on the market.  So far, only 2 people have looked at it and neither of them were impressed.  Our listing does not expire until August.  I hope we find the right person to want our home.  We put our heart and soul into it and whoever buys it will get a wonderful home.  If it doesn't sell, well then I guess we will figure that out at the time. 

I am working downtown now - five days a week.  Every day I spend nearly 2 hours in the car.  Already I am tired of that.  I wish I was close enough to be able to go home for lunch.  And spend time outside...in the yard.  At the same time, I am fortunate to have a good job.  I am thankful.

We have a long weekend coming up.  Memorial Day weekend - the 'jumping off point' for summer.  I am so ready.  Ready to fire up the grill, sit back with a cocktail and just BE...

Happy Holiday, everyone!!

He's sick.  Our Buster boy is sick.  Very sick.  Last week we decided to take him to the vet because he has this skin problem - he has allergies and if he gets bitten by a flea, he scratches, and bites and his skin gets all scaly and his fur becomes oily, and in places it falls out - well, he acutally CHEWS it out.

So, last Friday I was petting him and I felt his jaw - and it was SWOLLEN.  Like his glands.  We got an appointment, and Paul took him to see the vet.  They put him on prednisone for his skin, and antibiotics for his ears (he also had an ear infection), and they ran a test to check on the swollen glands.

The vet called me on Monday afternoon to tell me the test results came back as lymphoma.  Buster has lymphoma.  Basically, he has cancer.  Our Buster has cancer.

I've had dogs off and on my entire life and this is the first time I have ever had one with this disease.  A dear friend's dog succumbed to lymphoma last year (or maybe it was the year before) and that was the first I'd ever even HEARD of lymphoma in dogs.

The vet said it is very common and is incurable.  Without treatment, the pet may live a few months at best.  With treatment (depending on what KIND of treatment), they survive for a longer period of time.  Now here's the dilemma.  We have had another test run to determine how far advanced this is.  We do not have those results yet.  Depending on what they show, we have one of two options - we can keep him on massive doses of prednisone (steroids) to keep him comfortable and hope for the best - knowing he probably won't be around too much longer.  OR we can opt for chemotherapy, which is very invasive (as is all chemo) and costly and may buy us more time with our sweet boy.

We weren't even going to do the test (called staging - to determine the stage the cancer is in) but the other night during a terrible storm, Buster was so scared he climbed up onto the couch and curled up behind me, laid his head on my side and licked my hand while looking at me with tears in his eyes.  I held him and his shaking stopped...it was as if he was telling me,  'please help me, mom'.....I don't want to die.

In that moment I knew we had to do all we could to give our boy more time.

As of right now, we're still uncertain of what the future holds - we won't know until the vets calls again with an update - after the test results come back again.

We're hoping for a miracle. 

Home Repairs & Home Selling.....

It's been a while since my last post.  We have been busy around here.  First of all, I work downtown now - remember, I got a job at the first of this year.  I work downtown so it takes me sometimes nearly an hour just to GET HOME....

Now, would you believe we had to have MORE home repairs done?  Yep....more repairs.  Pretty soon we will have repaired everything and it will be basically a new house!  Don't I wish?

Anyway, we are thinking of putting the house on the market; before that happens we need to make sure it's in good shape.  We decided to get a home inspection done.  Now, that cost us a couple pesos, but we found that we had wood rot near the eaves, we need gutters, had to get a sill/main beam replaced underneath the house because it had deteriorated....BECAUSE OF WATER!  Damn water.  It seems that every repair we had to make was caused by damage done by water!!!  Oh, and we also have to get one corner of the house 'jacked up'....the foundation is settling and the bricks have cracked.

All in all, we'd rather know these things needed repairing BEFORE a buyer comes along with their realtor and they want all this done right now.....OR don't want to pay the price we hope to get for the house.

One thing is a little scary, though - right now I have a great job.  Suppose the house sells, and we decide to move to New England.  Think anyone wants to hire a 50-something woman?  Or the woman's husband?  I sure don't want to end up living in a cardboard box.....

On the other hand, I just want to move elsewhere.  Don't want to stay here any more.  I think change is what I need.  a change of scenery....and a change of heart. 

Do we have the guts to do it????  And walk away from everyone (including my sons) and everything we hold dear????

Would YOU risk everything to be somewhere your heart tells you is where you belong, or do you follow the 'safe' route and just stay where you've always stayed....and always long to be somewhere else?

Sasha

Tonight I was just mindlessly surfing thru the Internet - reading the news, and I just happened upon an article from nearly 3 years ago.  It was about a man I knew as a little boy - his name was Sasha.  Sasha Clapper.  My mom was his babysitter back in the 70's.  The house this little boy lived in (with his parents Jim and Debbie) was my dream house.  It was on Highway 6 near the dam.  It was contemporary, with a skylight and a red kitchen!  I was entranced by that house the first time I saw it.  I was a teenager then.  In the years that came to pass, I actually was fortunate enough to own and live in that wonderful home for a number of years, until my marriage ended and I left that house.  This post is not about that house, though.  It's about the loss of a sweet little boy; a precocious little boy in the day.  Tonight in reading a news article in a Portland newspaper some 3 years ago, I learned that my little Sasha died in a motorcycle accident in April 2009.  I saw his picture.  His eyes were the same eyes I remembered in that sweet little boy.  Dark eyes.  Eyes that could look right thru you.  Sasha is gone now - having been taken away in the best years of his life.  He left behind his parents, Jim and Debbie (whom we knew - Jim was a professor at USC) and his brother, Evan and other family members.    To them, the grief has probably dulled as it has been nearly 3 years.  For me it is still a shock, having only learned of this tonight.  My days at "The Clapper House" are full of memories. Some wonderful; and in my last days there before leaving, some pretty traumatic.  I have a picture of little Sasha somewhere.  You know I am a packrat, so of course I still have it....someplace.  I'll find it.  And I will probably write Jim and Debbie a letter soon - just to let them know how sorry I am to have learned of their loss.  Sasha, you lived life LARGE.  We should all learn to do the same.  Make each and every day the best we possibly can.  You did......
                                                        .
                                                         Sasha Clapper 1973-2009

Wining and Dining

This weekend the weather has been beautfiul....bright blue sunny skies, a breeze, birds singing, daffodils in bloom, and  COLD!  Last weekend it was almost summer-.it was warm.  I mean, I mowed the backyard wearing a t-shirt and crocs...and no socks!  This weekend, boy oh boy, is it different.  Friday night was nice - cool, but bearable without a coat as long as you ran from point A to point B....yesterday, Saturday, it was cold.  The wind started to blow.  And it blew all day long.  Never stopped.  When that happens I always know 'the wind is blowing the cold in'.....

I was right.  Last night I brought my geraniums inside - I still have three beautiful plants on my front porch.  They are doing very well, considering it's February.  One of them even has new growth.  So, I brought them inside after my dinner guests, Chapel & Brian, left.  This was about midnight.  Lo, and behold, and true to form, I forgot one.  I forgot to bring in ny aloe plant.  Poor thing succumbed to the cold last night.  Today it's limp and lifeless in the pot.  I sure hope I don't burn myself now because I won't have ANY aloe to put on it.  A good friend's mom gave me the plant so I really feel bad about forgetting to bring it in.

Speaking of my dinner guests - let me tell you what we had last night...AND what I made!  I made Italian Cream Puffs.  Really I did!  They were bellissimo!  Today, I baked white almond cupcakes with almond buttercream for Valentine's Day.  Frosted very simply, with a dusting of white sanding sugar over the buttercream.  Yum.   So, back to dinner....

We grilled a rack of pork spareribs with homemade "Chiquita" sauce; steamed ears of fresh crispy yellow corn, homemade cole slaw with both green and red cabbage and homemade dressing - once it marinates it is WONDERFUL,  It's slightly soggy but still has a bite to it - a crunch in every bite. I made baked beans - mine are slightly different.  They have a 'secret' ingredient that sets them apart from all others.  They're not bad!!!!  We also had a loaf of sourdough bread. Sourdough bread is heavy.  It is a very 'solid' bread.  And just as the name indicates, it has a slightly 'sour' taste.  I love any bread (well, except rye) though - and sourdough is one of my favorites by far...

We also had appetizers - I put together an antipasto tray with salame, proscuitto, Asiago cheese, green olives stuffed with garlic, black pitted olives, & roasted red peppers.  As if this weren't enough, I also made these little pastry shells filled with asparagus-shrimp dijonnaise. 

My friends make their own wine - and they provided several bottles for 'tasting' throughout the evening.  River Vines Estates is one of the newest, up and coming BEST wineries at the coast.  A home brewed wine - and we had this Chardonnay that was simply the best.  It was aged with coffee beans.    Thank you, thank you Chapel and Brian.  We had  the best time with you - it was great having you here with us.  I hope we can do it again VERY soon. ....We can't wait to sample more of your wines.....I'll be your taste tester ANYTIME you want!!!!

Today was a 'do nothing' day for me.  I don't do that very often.  I always have SOMETHING going on.......but not today.  I'm posting this and thinking about what else I can bake for Tuesday, the day of love....St. Valentine's Day.  Are any of you out there bakers?  I'd like to hear what your favorites are!

Winter? Spring?

Anybody out there been able to figure out how a rodent can decide if we're going to have 6 weeks of winter still to go?  If you think about it, no matter whether he sees his shadow or NOT, there's still six weeks before spring.  I don't get it....

It's been a while since my last post and I just realized it had been a whole month!  I started back to work on January 3 and it's been a long, LONG few weeks.  I'm learning what is expected of me; what my job entails, and how the process works.  It's detailed, it's complicated and I have made more notes than I ever did anywhere.  If it were not for this wonderful lady named Karen Stewart, I would be SO LOST.  I probably would have walked out - for the first week I honestly didn't know if I'd be able to handle it.  There's just SO much to learn.  But you know, I am learning it!  Karen has taught me everything I have learned; she is patient, kind, and she is very thorough and tolerant of all my 'why' questions.  I tell you, I owe her everything.   Thank you, Karen - for EVERYTHING!

Guess what?  I have spring flowers already blooming.  I saw yellow crocus' bloomng when I got in the car yesterday headed to work.  Spring has sprung!  At least here in SC it has.  In other places, spring probably feels like a whole season away! 

When it gets just a 'tad' warmer, I intend to start going out at lunch - I am downtown and plan to visit the State House Grounds on a regular basis.  My lunch and I can hang out in the park with the squirrels and the Occupy Columbia participants loitering all around. 

What do those of you who work do on your lunch hour?  Do you stay at your desk?  Do you walk?  What do you do?  I'd like to know. 

2012

We are one week into a new year.  2012!  I started this new year with a new job.  I have been working for a whole FOUR DAYS now, and for all the crap I went thru in job hunting while on unemployment, this job virtually landed in my lap.  Just the week before Christmas the phone rang (I almost didn't answer it as I was headed out the door) and it was Christina, the HR representative with this company.  She asked how I was, and wanted to know if I was working.  Well, of course I was not.  The few jobs that were out there that I had applied to never called.  Most of them never called.   The few calls that I did get were either jobs that were too far away with a small pay wage, or not too far away with the SAME small pay.  One even wanted me to sell RV's!  Me, the non-camper.  No thank you.  So anyway, this call comes right out of the blue.  She said they had a new position and was I interested in speaking with them? Of course I was interested.  Now don't get me wrong - I loved having the six months off that I had.  Summer 2011 was the first summer I was able to enjoy since I was 18 years old.  I relished it.  I gardened, played with the dogs, supervised kitchen and bath renovations, went on vacation, got a tan, and took a catering course.  I LOVED IT.  But, I knew I needed to be more productive....FINANCIALLY.  During this phone call, we made an appointment for me to 'interview' with them.  So, I went to see them the next work day (Monday) and the following day, Tuesday, they called to offer me the position.  While I was still shocked at how this position had miraculously appeared to me, I accepted, and enjoyed the rest of the 'countdown' time to the end of my 'lady of leisure' status.

My first day was rather painless.  Even the drive in was not too bad.  Everyone is very helpful, very friendly, and they are all patient with me as I learn the details of this new position, which is Insurance and Collections for a Commercial Real Estate Company.  I have an office with a semi-view (if I look out the window of the office across the hall) and I am right downtown where I can enjoy the State House grounds when it gets warmer.  You see, I like to walk on my lunch hours.  And get outside.  I truly miss the outdoors in the daytime.  But that's okay....for now. 

This phase of my life is just the latest, and current one.  I am sure it will not be permanent.  I still have big plans for unrealized dreams I have had for a long time...and hopefully 2012 will see one of those dreams come true.  At his point in my life, it's about time, don't you think? 

I wish for all of you a happy, healthy and fulfilling 2012!!!!